Chuckles

FOR THOSE WHO NOTICED A MISSING PUNCH LINE: I’VE RERUN JOKE WITH PUNCHLINE —-SORRY!!!!!
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off work, so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, “Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classified as unskilled labor, so she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Then Sven was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter,” he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, “Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.” “Vhat skill?” yelled Ole. “I sew da elastic on da panties, and Sven puts them over his head and say, “Yah, diesel fitter!”

An engineer, doctor and pastor golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. (dramatic pause) Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they? George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

Phones in Church

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read “Calls: $10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Colorado, upon entering a church in Grand Junction, Colorado, behold—he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: “Calls: 35 cents.” Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?” (I love this part…..) The pastor, smiling broadly, replied, “Son, you’re in Colorado now…. You’re in God’s country. It’s a local call.”

Punnies

Q. What does a pallbearer do in Tulsa?
A. Carry Okie.

Q. What did the mother skunk say to her babies as the wolf approached?
A. “Children, let a spray.”

Q. Why was the tramp turned away when he requested food, clothes, money, and an apartment?
A. Because he put all his begs in one ask-it.

Q. What would you have if you owned 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?
A. One hundred sows and bucks.

Blonde Carpenters

Two blondes with hammers were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, (figuring this was worth looking into) asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?” Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away. Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron!” Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house.”

A blind man and his dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink and after awhile the guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar becomes quiet and in a husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know the bartender and bouncer are blonde and I am a 6’, 200 lb blonde with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weight lifter, to the right is a blonde and she’s a pro wrestler, “Think about it, do you really wanna tell that joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver’s door from the Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer. The cop replied, “Didn’t you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.” The lawyer looked down to his left side and let out a terrible scream, “Oh, my God!!! …….MY
ROLEX!!!

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband’s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish that he wanted, all he needed to do was to ask for his heart’s desire. He paused for a moment, then said, “Well, honestly, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.” The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

This story tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays...This was on a Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman had ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was mid-winter; snowing and quite cold and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte at the ski lodge. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be on the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her bottom rest against the rear fender of the car to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued to the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date’s concerns about “what was taking so long” with a reply that indeed, she was “freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!”

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking abut what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car, although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn’t much conversation and apparently, despite their “intimate encounter,” the two did not see each other again. As for the Tonight Show, she took the prize hands down… or perhaps that should be “pants down.”