After Thoughts

Late Spring 2010 www.thedead-beat.com Volume 11 Issue 1

Columns

Spotlight

Kenneth J. Doka

Mortuary Muse

Behind the Back Fence

After Thoughts

Dear Counselor

Urns & Outs

Tips from the Back Room

Crypt-ic Commentary

After-Thoughts

by Joanne Howard

Well, this issue I didnt have to wonder what to write about. On May 20, 2010 my mother Evelyn Sprouse passed away. Though peaceful at the time of death, the prior week was not so great. She battled pneumonia and struggled to get each breath. Though Im happy she is not struggling anymore, I still miss her and have been dealing with the numerous details surrounding the death.

I had that unique situation that many funeral directors who lose loved ones experience. I couldnt seem to turn off the funeral directing and just be the daughter. At the nursing home when my mom died, they needed to notify the funeral home, I said, Consider it done. Oh, by the way dont forget to notify the coroner, etc.

Every once and awhile that daughter who lost her mother peeks through and I feel very sad. I was mentioning to Lowell, I felt the numbness immediately following the death, seems to be wearing off. I have so much to do and yet I just feel tired and dont want to do anything.

For those funeral homes that dread having the cremation case, my moms funeral situation was not drastically different from the traditional burial. We had a visitation and funeral service with the disposition being cremation and then we buried the cremains next to my stepfather at a later date. One benefit of the cremains is that we plan to scatter part of them over my fathers (her first husbands) grave in a city that is faraway. Also I kept a small amount of cremains in a keepsake urn. You cant do that with a body thats going to be buried.

I feel like Im not treating my mom like other people would their parents, but of course, Im not like other people, except other funeral directors. Truthfully I had trouble turning off my job, I felt the overwhelming urge to ask people if they signed the book when they greeted me at the casket. At the end of the funeral service, I turned to signal the beginning of the final viewing of the body. Regretfully my cell phone went off in the middle of the service because I was still on call and had failed to turn it to vibrate. Oh, the challenges of the funeral director grieving their own family members.

Well, back to the funeral. It was very small, but very musical. I sang Rock of Ages, my brother Jack Spellazza played a song that he wrote, congregational singing of Amazing Grace and Claude my husband played my moms favorite song, Somewhere My Love, on the organ at the end. I think she would have been happy with the service. We also opened it up to the people to make comments, but only my pastor, myself, my husband , my brother and my nephew said anything. We videoed the service for a relative that could not attend, but due to technology changes, Im not sure how to get 8MM to DVD, but Ill figure that out.

Now, how am I going to handle the grieving of my mother? I know I grieved before she died with her life at the nursing home not exactly being the ideal situation. But after her death and the responses of all the nursing home staff about how nice she was and how she would be missed, did I realize my mom made the best of her situation. I wrote an article about My Mom, the Survivor several years ago and I was proud of her then and even more now considering how she dealt with the nursing home residence.

Im going to feel like I should be going to the nursing home every Sunday and miss all the other residents that I came in contact with. Two of my friends, daughters of a mother who sat at my moms dining room table at the nursing home, sent me cards saying it was bad that we lose the contact with people after their relative has died. I appreciated the cards and plan to contact them. Its that extended family we forget exists. The voids that are created when someone dies are hard to fill.

I will miss my mom even though it felt like our roles had changed. I was the mom taking care of the daughter. But my overwhelming feeling when she died was the person who loves you no matter what, is not there anymore. Moms are wonderful people and having been one, I know that love that you give to your children. But, of course, my mom, my supporter is now with my children again and now they are eventually waiting for me. See ya later mom, you fought a good fight and you were very loved.

About the author: Joanne Howard is the editor of The Dead Beat. She has been a licensed funeral director since 1992 with Pugh Funeral Home in Golden City, MO and also the aftercare coordinator. Much of her writing in this column is influenced by her loss of her two daughters Laura at age 10 in 1997 and Amy at age 19 in 2003. Any comments or questions can be directed to 417-537-4412, P.O. Box 145, Golden City, MO 64748 or email Joanne@thedead-beat.com.