Behind the Back Fence

Death—Has it come out of the closet?

Recently our son drove Betty and I out to a small gathering of old friends to celebrate one of their birthdays.

The hostess had invited son to stay for conversation and finger foods. But he declined. Saying, “At fifty-three years old, I am perfectly comfortable with saying “no” to attending social functions with which I am not comfortable.” Later in the evening as we were having conversation, somebody remarked about why Phillip didn’t stay. And I repeated what he said that at fifty-three years old he felt comfortable with declining invitations to events where he is not socially comfortable. At least two of participants in their eighties said, “I wish I could do that.”

This got me to thinking. With all the emphasis on personalization and memorialization, it seems to me the last few years we are still seeing more and more people going to direct cremation and no services.

About forty-five years ago an older close friend said to me he had attended a funeral for a relative in the city. The new modern trend then was no obituaries and closed casket. And if he hadn’t already known, he would not have known whose funeral he was attending.

Well, I think this was the type of event that it did lead people to question the value of the funeral services. It also may have prompted the movement for personalization and memorialization to show who the funeral was for.

But perhaps it goes really deeper than that. Maybe death is coming out of the closet? Maybe more and more people are realizing: “Well, I’m not comfortable with death,” “I don’t have to have a funeral,” “We can just dispose of the body and go merrily on my way.”

True, this doesn’t take into consideration the feelings of some of the other next of kin, mourners or friends. But it probably reflects the attitude of people who suddenly realize that they don’t have to go to funerals or even have a funeral for a loved one if they don’t want to.

In the past people some of those who opted for religious funerals may not have been comfortable about it, but just felt they couldn’t say “no.”

So how do we counteract this possible- not wanting to deal with death- in terms of how things have been in the past?

How do we convince people of the value of funeral services? How do we influence people that only want to do what is comfortable for themselves? Is it wrong to let the people go with what they want?

What do you think?

About the Author: Lowell Pugh has had funeral director and embalmer licenses in Missouri and Texas and continues the operation of the family funeral home which started in 1904. He is publisher of The Dead Beat which began in 1999. He can be contacted at The Dead Beat address.

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