Kenneth J. Doka

Grief is fundamentally bad for our health. It is a painful process to deal with the loss of someone we love. We suffer so much emotional turmoil. The physical pain seems to go with the emotional pain.

And we do experience physical pain. Grief can affect us in so many ways– the ways we think, the ways we feel, or even our beliefs. Our bodies may evidence the loss. We may experience all sorts of aches and pains. Our stomachs may hurt, our muscles ache, and our heads may throb.

While these physical reactions are common in grief, they do have to be monitored by a physician. We need to be very mindful of our health as we experience a loss. It goes beyond simply the physical manifestations of our grief. A loss can have an insidious effect on our health and even our survival.

There are a number of reasons for that. First, grief is highly stressful and stress negatively affects our health. Stress not only creates a whole series of problems affecting, for example, our heart, blood pressure, or digestion but, it also suppresses our immune system, making us less likely to fight off other infections. Second, often when someone we love dies, our own health practices suffer. We may become negligent in adhering to a mediation regimen. We may ignore basic needs-failing to eat well, exercise, or get sufficient sleep.

Good self-care then is a essential piece as we deal with our loss. We need to monitor our stress levels and do all that we can to reduce unnecessary stress. That is why it is helpful to not make any significant changes, such as a move or job change, after a loss. Any change brings additional stress at an already difficult time.

It is also helpful to assess our own health habits, reviewing how they may have been affected by the loss. Are we sleeping well? Has our diet changed? Are we exercising enough? Are we taking medication in the prescribed way? Are we avoiding practices that can negatively influence our health and well-being, such as the excessive use of alcohol? Once we examine our own health and life practices we can begin to make the essential changes. When necessary, we can discuss any concerns, such as an inability to sleep, with our physician.

We can be proactive as well. Are there things we can do to reduce stress? Each of us has our own ways to deal positively with stress. It may be listening to music, taking a walk in the woods or on a beach, or getting a massage. Often, reaching into our own spirituality, whether it is prayer, meditation, or any other spiritual discipline, can help reduce stress. Practicing ways to de-stress makes good sense in grief.

Grief is hard work. Like any hard work we have to acknowledge that we need time off. Going out with friends, taking in a movie, or enjoying a concert offers temporary respite from our loss. It empowers us to deal with our grief.

And because grief is hard work, we need to face it as physically fit as possible. Taking care of ourselves is the first step as we cope with our loss.

This article was originally printed in Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, published by Hospice Foundation of America. More information about Journeys can be found at www.hospicefoundation.org or by calling 800-854-3402 and is published monthly by the Hospice Foundation of America, 1621 Connecticut Ave. , NW, #300, Washington, DC 20009. Annual subscription-$12.00.

Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., is a Professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle. Dr. Doka’s books include: Disenfranchised Grief; Living with Life Threatening Illness; Living with Grief: After Sudden Loss; Death and Spirituality; Living With Grief: When Illness is Prolonged; Living with Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve; AIDS,Fear & Society; Aging and Developmental Disabilities; and Children Mourning, Mourning Children. In addition to these books, he has published over 60 articles and chapters. Dr. Doka is the associate editor of the journal Omega and editor of Journeys, a newsletter of the bereaved. Dr. Doka has served as a consultant to medical, nursing, hospice organizations, as well as businesses, educational and social service agencies. As Senior Consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, he assists in planning, and participates in their annual Teleconference. In 1998, the Association for Death Education and Counseling honored him by presenting him an Award for Outstanding Contributions to the field of death education. In March 1993, he was elected President of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Dr. Doka was elected in 1995 to the Board of the International Work Group on Dying, Death and Bereavement and elected Chair in 1997. Dr. Doka is an ordained Lutheran Clergyman. (And a heck of a nice guy– Editor & Publisher)

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