Kenneth J. Doka

Those dispirited words were written by no other than the deeply religious author, C.S. Lewis. Yet, when his beloved wife was dying even Lewis felt abandoned.

Grief can affect every aspect of our being. It can distress our bodies and influence our emotions as we reel from all the feelings that grief can create. Grief clouds our thoughts and changes our behavior. It is no surprise that it can challenge our faith and rattle our beliefs.

Not every loss will do that. When my aunt died at 94 years of age, we grieved her loss deeply. She was the matriarch of the family, the last surviving member of that generation.

But her death did not shake our faith. She died after a fullness of many years, surrounded by family. As we mourned, our beliefs, even as they differed amongst family members, gave us comfort.

Some deaths though, will shatter our beliefs. We may find it hard to believe that there is meaning to the universe or any point in life. The circumstances of the death or the extent of suffering may make it hard to believe in a benevolent God. We feel lonely and abandoned. Our faith seems to offer little comfort.

Our beliefs seems to be another casualty of our grief.

One of the tasks of grief, then, is to rebuild faith or philosophies that have been challenged by our loss. We need not do it alone.

One of the biggest mistakes we can make during this period is to isolate ourselves from our beliefs. We need instead to share our struggles within our faith community. This is a time to identify those within our faith communities who can journey with us, who are comfortable in hearing our struggles and sharing their own. Sometimes we may have to look to find those people.

When Toms wife died, he tried to share his question with his minister. His minister, however, could not seem to relate to Toms struggle. Instead he seemed to offer empty reassurances. Tom found that his daughters minister was willing to engage in serious discussions about Toms concerns. Together they studied and conversed. Tom credits that experience with deepening his own faith.

We should maintain our own spiritual discipline. Prayer, meditation, ritual, and readings are all ways to connect with our faith traditions. Each spiritual tradition and every philosophy has encountered death and loss. Each has writings that speak to that encounter.

Finally, we may read of the struggles of others. C.S. Lewis, for example, writes of his struggles in A Grief Observed. These writings not only remind us that such moments are natural valleys in the journey of faith and grief; they offer insight on how to cope. And they offer hope.

This article was originally printed in Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, published by Hospice Foundation of America. More information about Journeys can be found at www.hospicefoundation.org or by calling 800-854-3402 and is published monthly by the Hospice Foundation of America, 1621 Connecticut Ave. , NW, #300, Washington, DC 20009. Annual subscription-$12.00.

Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., is a Professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle. Dr. Dokas books include: Disenfranchised Grief; Living with Life Threatening Illness; Living with Grief: After Sudden Loss; Death and Spirituality; Living With Grief: When Illness is Prolonged; Living with Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve; AIDS,Fear & Society; Aging and Developmental Disabilities; and Children Mourning, Mourning Children. In addition to these books, he has published over 60 articles and chapters. Dr. Doka is the associate editor of the journal Omega and editor of Journeys, a newsletter of the bereaved. Dr. Doka has served as a consultant to medical, nursing, hospice organizations, as well as businesses, educational and social service agencies. As Senior Consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, he assists in planning, and participates in their annual Teleconference. In 1998, the Association for Death Education and Counseling honored him by presenting him an Award for Outstanding Contributions to the field of death education. In March 1993, he was elected President of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Dr. Doka was elected in 1995 to the Board of the International Work Group on Dying, Death and Bereavement and elected Chair in 1997. Dr. Doka is an ordained Lutheran Clergyman.